Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Update: The Process of Re(evaluating)

So I haven't really been doing all that much on my blog, social media etc. In all honesty, I've realised that my personal wellbeing comes first and though I love doing this, I only want it to be an organic process. I feel best when I'm not under pressure to write content as I think that only just manifests into mediocre shit that people just won't read (naturally if I'm in a blogging role/job, I would be okay with the pressure but since this is my personal blog, I do hold the reins).

I suppose I just wanted to check in and give you a bit of a briefing as to where I'm at right now. As most people are aware, this last year has been extremely tough and the stress just doesn't seem to end. I've been trying to finish up my degree and I'm finally seeing the finish line, with only one exam to go in August. I'm proud of where I'm come and considering all the emotions, grief, betrayal and confusing feelings I've felt, I'm pretty pleased that I managed it all this far.

I would be lying if I said that I don't go through feelings of being down and I do think to myself, 'what is the point?' quite a lot. Nevertheless, I keep going. That's always been the person I am. Extreme trauma. Carry on. Repeat. Extreme trauma. Carry on. Repeat. I almost feel like a robot.... but I know that this strength to continue comes from the Lord and only Him. It's what pushes me through.

Ultimately, I'm in the process of 're'. Reevaluation, redoing, rethinking, re-everything.

I'm trying to figure out what I want in life and what's the best for me. Simultaneously, I'm also figuring out what is toxic to me. Understanding and evaluating my behavioural and mind patterns (through therapy and other means) has allowed me to understand why I am the way I am. I feel like most people don't actually take the time to do this or to understand this which I find strange considering that we all have a purpose on this Earth. I don't want to call myself cynical but I am becoming very deconstructionist. I challenge things a lot... maybe it's because I've been finding myself on the weird side of YouTube far too often... I do, however, think that there is a lot of undercover truths going on in this world that we live in. I won't go further than that. It's besides the point. With all this dark energy, I do know that there is light. Love & Light to be precise.... and it is this Love & Light that I try to exude.

I'm not perfect and sure I will have many, many slip-ups. In fact, I think one of my biggest downfalls is holding onto grudges and not letting things go after someone has hurt me (which only regurgitates the negative energy). I still believe that I am a child of God and the Universe and that I have a good heart and am about Love & Light.

Truly, I feel as though my passion for the fashion industry is still there but I feel deflated. I think the juxtaposition between the industry and my spirituality is perhaps too harsh of a battle. Don't get me wrong, there are lovely souls working in fashion and I think a LOT can be done in this industry to promote positivity, peace etc. but ultimately, I've seen a lot of drama, bitchiness and negativity. I've been involved with superficial people who have used me for their own gain. I'm uncovering the extremely heavy use of Satanic symbolism in very elite designers' clothing. I'm questioning things a lot. Again, re, re, re.

What does this mean, exactly?

Will there be no more 'The Rebirth of Fashion'?

I doubt it.

I don't think I could let all this slip from the palm of my hands after so many years. I do think that I need to have a good think about which direction I want to go in and what exactly I want to be putting out there. For me (especially in the last year), I've tried to mesh positivity into my content, promoting body positivity and female empowerment. I feel that this underlying thread of Love & Light is the reason why I have continued to make content. I've had such beautiful messages from people telling me that they feel better about themselves because of me and this is such a powerful feeling. This is what I set out to achieve... to make people feel good. If I can continue doing that, I will undoubtedly continue but it will be a hard journey.

It will be a hard journey because I will be forced to be around negative people and for that, I will need to protect myself as much as possible. But is it possible with the mercy of the Lord? Of course. Anything is.

A heavy dose of narcissism is involved in all of this, to which I will never deny, but I've been trying to do things for the right reasons. I've cut a lot of people out of my life and certain ones just keep coming back to haunt me... I can block someone on everything but their vanity will overpower me because guess what? Prettiness sells. I will see the person on pages promoting them all the time but I have to learn that the difference between me and 'X' is that I have more to offer than my external appearance (which I struggle with in any case). I'm not trying to insinuate that I'm better than this person or anyone for that matter, because everyone has a journey and learns in their own ways. I'm just going off of my personal relationship, instinict and history (which I can't erase). Seeing this person in my face on social media all the time, I do wonder whether this is something I want to continue but then my mind stops and I think, so what? So what if there are people like that around? You have something unique to bring to the table.

What do I learn from all of this? Looks fade. Trends fade. Instagram fads fade. But my soul will never fade. I will never sell my soul and I will do everything in my power to continue my journey of gratitude - thanking the Universe for all that I have and trying my best to promote the good things in life.

So for now, I will leave it in the hands of the Universe. We'll see what the next steps are. What I can say is thank you to anyone who has supported thus far, it means a lot.